chapter nineteen: tight and bright

"you just popped in the EJ: get right for the summer workout tape. and ladies, if you follow these instructions correctly we're going to make your body look great. one and two and three and four and get those situps right, do your crunches just like this, and tuck your tummy tight."

it was the mid eighties when i got my first dose of neon. it was a onezie with room for a diaper, and i was over the moon. this was the first piece of the puzzle that i'd use later in life to suggest a tight and bright 80's night at the junkyard. after sitting down in my closet and demanding to know the exact electric status of my wardrobe, it had become clear to me that in order to fulfill the buns of steel that i so badly desired. i would have no choice but to participate in a friday night theme workout.

big al and sniffles scampered off into the boys change room to get suited up. and then the doors opened... we all stared in astonishment. i was sitting on a bosu, gazing at them for a good couple of minutes before even blinking. milli vanilli actually came to teach our class. the energy level skyrocketed, and my ability to take them seriously headed in precisely the opposite direction. and then there was fun bobby. his assets would be best described as on par with someone in an 80's hairband. the way his denim cutoffs remained in-tact during his squat demos left me in awe. i could hear the seams screaming. i speak confidently when saying all three men tonight look better in tights and cutoffs than jane fonda.

here is the news: i've developed a serious crush on the bike over the last week, but i'm still not sure if i'm ready to admit that i am really enjoying grinding it out. i was doing sprints in the second set, 20 rpm's higher than milli told me. he and i were both completely flabbergasted. then he upped my tension. oh ya, now we're sweatin'.

plank series to finish, but i would have preferred hip thrusters. while holding my plank position for close to what felt like an hour, i had started thinking about how neon tights could help me make ends meet. i'm not really sure what kind of ceo wears neon tight pants, or what type of work they refer to, but since i generate roughly the same income as a giraffe, i figured why not test it out? maybe i'll be in a rap music video... even though i can work legally, these were the two most realistic (and badass) options: i could either start my own underground buns of steel circut, or become a prostitute. like i said, realistic when tights are included.