chapter twenty one: captain shaky pants

speaking of bacardi, this afternoon was a little on the wobbly side. a lot on the wobbly side to be precise. i strapped on the full length tights and mentally prepared myself for quiet time, aka release. remember, this is the true challenge for me.

we did our first assisted stretches with help from the kinesis. bigger, deeper, longer. it's nice. miss nix brought out a pair of ankle straps which i pointed out may be a little more appropriate for a late friday night, or even attached to my bedposts. just a thought. but proceed we did, and did they ever give a damn good stretch. another funny little movement we got to practice today was the scapula rotation. now, if you haven't noticed, miss nix has an absolutely exquisite set of scapulas. enough to drive any man mad. she must practice a lot. i think my scaps need some work. it was during the first rotation through the movement that i heard a huge pop out of my left shoulder. hmm. first we introduce dominatrix style equipment on a casual sunday afternoon, now i'm feeling the need for someone to play doctor? oh lord, please help me.

through the second phase we did some sumo squats, which i thought were going pretty well, until fun bobby decided to point out my 'perfect form' which forced me to lose balance and fall flat on my badunkadunk. talk about pressure. we went into mountain climbers to stretch out the hip flexers, and it felt so good. you know, i really don't set out enough time in my day to really get at the ol' hip flexers. those baddies were tight, and i was sweating something fierce while doing this stretch sequence.

our third phase was a bit on balance. bringing out our inner ballerinas. bobbers was the best at this one, hands down. his tutu was packing some major heat. controlled tippy toes, slow releases, tippy toes with our eyes closed (which i'm going to practice at the bar.) spins on one foot and another (what'd you do in class today? we twirled), and rolling like a ball. something was up with my balance today i tell you. i ate it, probably a good three times before the end of class. today consisted of me pretending to be zen, falling over, laughing my ass off, then pretending to be zen again. (note the picture of me laughing my ass off while sitting on my ass)

sundays are probably more productive, and definitely more balanced when you lay off the mimosas. forgive me lord, for i have sinned.

and fyi... the number is five o two

chapter twenty: botox and bacardi

"i woke up in the morning feeling like p diddy. grab my glasses, i'm out the door, i'm gonna hit this city. before i leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of jack. cuz when i leave for the gym i aint coming back." just your average saturday morning.

day three straight of EJ:x. for those who don't talk dirty, that's xxx. it's a surefire sign that you wear short shorts a lot to the gym, when the first thing you hear is not: "good morning beautiful" or "great to see ya" or "welcome to the jungle!" it's: "what are you doing wearing pants?" hmm, note to self. less is more.

apart from my legs not being the real topic of todays discussion, we started off fabulously as per usual. kicked things off with sniffles and the group. phase one, kinesis. nothing better than heavy plates and loud music to get you off first thing on a saturday morning. oh la la. just as soon as we started we were finished. 7 minutes just flies by when you're having fun. so i saddled up on my boyfriend une bicyclette and geared up for 7 minutes in heaven. no this didn't involve a closet. not today anyway.

big al was large and in charge of us for phase two, cardio. i noticed something when i was givin' er today. i always look at the same thing when i'm biking: the house numbers on the condo across the road from the junkyard. i know there's a zero involved. and i'm pretty sure a two. tomorrows mission, if you choose to accept, is to find and photograph the street number. i always pretend like i'm getting closer, and that the numbers are, in fact, increasing. but alas, no distance. just a pain in the ass. i also figured out that i have a pretty serious bike face, which sometimes can look like a scowl. there's botox for that, so not to worry.

increased group traffic today made me have to last longer on the bike. that, and i was a lot sweatier than normal. wow, innuendoes much? i tell ya, pretty soon the only kind of relationship the bike and i are going to have is a dysfunctional one. and i'll be driven to drink and too stubborn to leave. it's not that easy. my cd's are in the trunk.

chapter nineteen: tight and bright

"you just popped in the EJ: get right for the summer workout tape. and ladies, if you follow these instructions correctly we're going to make your body look great. one and two and three and four and get those situps right, do your crunches just like this, and tuck your tummy tight."

it was the mid eighties when i got my first dose of neon. it was a onezie with room for a diaper, and i was over the moon. this was the first piece of the puzzle that i'd use later in life to suggest a tight and bright 80's night at the junkyard. after sitting down in my closet and demanding to know the exact electric status of my wardrobe, it had become clear to me that in order to fulfill the buns of steel that i so badly desired. i would have no choice but to participate in a friday night theme workout.

big al and sniffles scampered off into the boys change room to get suited up. and then the doors opened... we all stared in astonishment. i was sitting on a bosu, gazing at them for a good couple of minutes before even blinking. milli vanilli actually came to teach our class. the energy level skyrocketed, and my ability to take them seriously headed in precisely the opposite direction. and then there was fun bobby. his assets would be best described as on par with someone in an 80's hairband. the way his denim cutoffs remained in-tact during his squat demos left me in awe. i could hear the seams screaming. i speak confidently when saying all three men tonight look better in tights and cutoffs than jane fonda.

here is the news: i've developed a serious crush on the bike over the last week, but i'm still not sure if i'm ready to admit that i am really enjoying grinding it out. i was doing sprints in the second set, 20 rpm's higher than milli told me. he and i were both completely flabbergasted. then he upped my tension. oh ya, now we're sweatin'.

plank series to finish, but i would have preferred hip thrusters. while holding my plank position for close to what felt like an hour, i had started thinking about how neon tights could help me make ends meet. i'm not really sure what kind of ceo wears neon tight pants, or what type of work they refer to, but since i generate roughly the same income as a giraffe, i figured why not test it out? maybe i'll be in a rap music video... even though i can work legally, these were the two most realistic (and badass) options: i could either start my own underground buns of steel circut, or become a prostitute. like i said, realistic when tights are included.

chapter eighteen: the gemmers new groove

a wise soul once said "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." i'm living proof. after my hilarious altercation with the kinesis machines yesterday, i sat myself down and said "you're numba one. grab that net and catch those beautiful butterflies." stood up, slapped myself on the ass and danced to journey in baseball socks and an oversized t. it's amazing what nonsense can motivate one.

so apres work, i galloped over to the junkyard to play EJ: x. i welcomed my new burst of energy with the utmost exuberance, un-matched by many. i thanked my body for deciding to actually show up with a sarcastic "good evening, nice of you to have turned up. thanks. lovely to see you again." it was almost like i had been absent yesterday. i thought to myself, it's nice in here isn't it. great atmosphere and that. and with that, i welcomed myself back to class.

i was first put into a group with all the gimps and the boys. us three 'injured' girls and the dudes were stuck in a group together. now, is the reason the girls got hurt so the boys could keep up? kidding! started over in cardy land with mr junior gong himself. "to the bikes ladies"... ohhhh, we all dragged our heels and pouted all the way over. we didn't even get bonus points for cute pouty face. god, round one was hard. but i was singing and dancing to the songs for the first 4 minutes. then we had to grind it out. i friggen hate those words.

popped over to sniffles real quick, and started with plank with knee drives on the medicine ball. sniffles obviously doesn't know how to handle such a fantastic fitnesseur, because he just came and kicked my balls. literally, stood there and kicked the ball. what, like it's not hard enough already? maybe it was punishment for yesterday.

we switched again to hangout with mr junior gong aka das coach, "back to the bikes girls." we did something i've never done before, 4 beats sitting, 4 beats standing. repeat. x4 minutes. ankles was the leader here out of the three of us, but i felt the need to sing along. we had a sweet song to start off with. 'sexy chick'. nothing sexier than a girl red in the face, sweat dripping down her back with a messy bun. sick.

sniffles took custody of us one more time, this time for the fun stuff. lunge punches, heavy squats, lat pulls to tricep kickbacks, power situps, power squats and the best one of all, the heavy belt of jumping doom. so cool. sometimes, i felt like i was going to slingshot across the room, which i think could have been probably the most epic scene since the slow-mo boob shot in baywatch.

you know, if you ever hear me say "let's do x", you know what i'm talking about. it don't bother me, because we're all on something.

chapter seventeen: i used to get high

"7am: the garbage truck beeps as it backs up and i start my day thinking of what i've thrown away." i've thrown away the love of my life this week, and it's the hardest thing i've done in about, say, 48 hours. no i am not a coffee drinker. and i rarely drink tea. something more devastating. more heartbreaking. more monumental of a task. hot... chocolate... take my soul, but not my hot chocolate.

this morning, there was something missing. i woke up feeling like a dog with no bone. a girl without her mexican assistant. you may think i've chosen carmelita because i like my apartment clean, but no, it's because i happen to be very passionate about pico de gallo sauce. that and hot chocolate. but today, nothing, nada, zip. i have officially lost my pepper lady's and gent's.

you know the drill, high five for strive. fun bobby and er bear herding the lethargic slugs that used to be the perky 7am-ers. i'm comfortable saying that i'm a pretty big deal. ok, that's an exaggeration, but i have one or two moves that i bust out now and then on the kinesis machines. today i was all but spinning tires. trying to get traction but there was no budging. i am going to admit something to you, and you need to promise not to tell. i was tired. i know, i thought it was impossible too. but, day seventeen was a day to delete from the 30day handbook.

my mountain climbers looked more like mountain goats. burpee's we're horriffic. my power sit ups were pretty fly, for a white guy. but i still was napping on the way down. i told FB that i was tired after class and he replied cheekily "i know, i can tell." it was one of those moments when you discover a whole entire stalk of asparagus growing out of your front teeth, and saying to your friend "why the hell didn't you tell me?" someone should have yelled at me today. if this happens tomorrow i'm doing an 8 ball in the bathroom between sets. inappropriate yes, but i'm desperate. and when i say 8 ball i obviously mean eat a pack of skittles. because they're friggen delicious.

chapter sixteen: late-night lunging

it was a balmy january day, and i decided tonight would be an excellent night for some late-night lunging. i woke up this morning and thought to myself, "you know, today seems like the best day and i'd really love to do as much static lunging as possible." you know the point where you start to shake, and then your muscles feel like they're being lit by a match? yeah, i want to go further than that.

so, to EJ: endurance i went. it was interesting, i haven't done an enduro class yet, and you can definitely see and feel the differences. the best description for this would be getting into a fight with someone half your age and size, but learning all too quickly that they're packing so much heat they're going to make you go home and weep like a little girl.

big al and er bear were commando today, or commanders... or both? it was a fairly stacked class. although, i feel like there's a little less energy in the air this week because of the no caffeine challenge. thank goodness i put a bit of NOS in my yogurt at breakfast. we did everything apart from our first round in static lunges. let me just explain the severity of this for those who might not quite get it: envision spending more time creating a 'box' with your legs than standing up straight. then, you feel like you've been hit by a truck. then, the truck runs you over. now switch legs. yikes.

needless to say, things were hard. damn hard. i guess that's the point of a challenge right? everyone seemed to rise to the occasion, or lunge to the occasion. after this puppy, i'm ready for endurance insurance. should'a got that insured, geiko for ya moneyyyyyyyy!

chapter fifteen: dirty double

so today is officially half way through the challenge and i don't know exactly what i want to feel. ok, that's a big lie. i don't want this to end, truthfully. of course it's hard, i mean, i definitely have found muscles that i didn't know existed, which are now hurting. but, if i had known that this would turn into a love affair, i would have (a) lodged a formal complaint with internal affairs that this challenge is not long enough, and (b) it would have given me more time to find the perfect sized butt pads. the bike and i are still rolling mad deep.

i felt like i'd kick off the second half of the challenge with another dirty double. started off the evening with a lovely release plus class. er bear was being her fabulous self, and big al wanted to ensure that because our playlist was catering to the cardio part of the workout, and that we weren't jammin' while releasing on the kinesis. he of course gave us a fantastic demo, that which will go down in the hall of fame. bridges, and spine twists and stabilized scapulas, oh my! i also got a charlie horse in my butt, that was interesting.

just as soon as we started, we finished again. on to the next class, strive! my muscles were nice and warm, (and were wondering what they did to make me punish them so) i was ready to go. round two. we partnered up (as it was bring your friend to strive class day) and got underway with the ever famous class. fun bobby and sparky were the big men on campus for this one. they're quite the dynamic duo, let me tell you. apart from nearly hip checking fun bobbers into the ladies change-room, things were off to a great start.

core stability, core stability, core stability. my name is gems and i'm 5'-8''. i'm also a core stabilizing expert, says sparky. we do 3 sets of bosu exercises between our kinesis sets. high knees running (which on a deflated bosu had a slight resemblance of a poorly edited kung fu movie) bosu burpies and mountain climbers. we did the same bosu exercises between sets, and every time it got harder and harder. thank goodness for the great explanation "pretend like you're picking 'something' off the floor" during round three of kinesis, or things wouldn't have been so clear. finished up with another one of fun bobby's fab-ab's. and a big partner stretch. ahhhh so good.

i leave class now so pumped up that i walk through the alley to the skytrain, almost hoping to get jumped. i knew i can kick some serious butt and have dreams of heading to the sketchy side of downtown just to throw down my mad skillz.

chapter fourteen: volatile sugar misfire

i thought i made some healthy choices on friday and saturday. i mean, i didn't have cake for breakfast either of those days. today was a complete disaster, but i'd be lying if i didn't admit to being a little proud of the will power i demonstrated when opting for the whole-wheat crust to go with the brick of cheese on top of my pizza. i explained to myself empathetically (while eating an apple in the shower) that i was ready for a commitment. a full blown relationship with healthy food. 100% of the time. general opinions make out that i'm a fairly healthy eater, then there are times that i just need sweets. i swear, diving head first into chocolate cake for breakfast is a thing of the past.

so today is sunday, a fresh start. a new week. another EJ: release class. i'm excited to note that i probably wont be kicked out of any aerobics classes in the near future due to severe motor challenges when moving my arms and legs in separate directions. this i can thank our controlled release classes. sundays excite me because it's a day where you can come in, and let it all hang out. relax yourself, stretch it out, and shake it off.

we start with the kinesis machines, moving through four exercises. it's crazy how thirsty and sweaty one can get from a class of this nature. i find it the most challenging, mainly because i have to stay still. something i'm not the best at. spine twist series was next. there were times that we were twisting so much i thought i may screw myself into the floor. i wouldn't be surprised with myself if i became a permanent fixture there.

i do have to say that everyone is looking amazing. i also feel like a million bucks. i have the most energy that i've had in years, and do firmly believe that i may have a two-pack. up until this challenge i've had a rocky relationship with food. i'm convinced i was having the same life experience with food that nicole ritchie was having with hers, with a dose here and there of what paula abdul was having with her meds. hanging on by a thread.

so the new challenge for me for this week is to not eat after 8pm, and to actually not have any refined sugars. why are they even called refined? they're not refined at all. pretending to be refined is like wearing a mock turtleneck. why would you pretend to be wearing a turtleneck? stupid.

chapter thirteen: super sets world

i had spent the better part of my EJ addiction being too much of a stubborn die-hard to admit that i have absolutely no interest in the bike. i don't have a problem with mountain biking, or road biking even, but i'm just not one of those people who's looking to pack my schedule with some extra one-on-one time with a piece of rubber up my ass.

"gem's you hop up on the bike there and peddle" sniffles said across the gym, while i was trying to disguise the limp i had from that blasted bike seat. i love hearing the words 'jump on the bike' almost as much as i love hearing 'grind it out'. the only time i want to grind it out is at fortune, late night. i wanted to say that i'd rather be forced to watch a starwars marathon and smoke mint cigarettes than to get back on that damn thing. but i haven't had enough therapy at this point to know about creating boundaries, so instead i said, "definitely"

anyone who participated in the 11am EJx super sets saturday today would confirm that sniffles had probably the most thorough demo's i've seen. nearly workout tape worthy. there was a time, i think, that he even considered actually picking up a weight. you know you spend a lot of time at one certain place, that we're all confident in what moves are what. clearly we're doing a rockin job. oh, and the playlist was nearly as good as my gangsta rap. (i did forget my grills yesterday, which would have made my playlist a lot more fitting.) if i could just quote the song that was made surely just for me, 'she had more junk in her trunk than a honda. i know you wanna do the jane fonda.'

note to trainers alike: don't ask girls in booty shorts to do sumo squats. think about it.

after class i went into the change room to clean myself up, unpin my hair from the top of my head, and look for a donut to sit on for the rest of the afternoon. of course, after thirty seconds of looking in all the wrong places i thought i might find a donut (things like the lockers, under the sink, even in the shower) i whipped my shorts across the room (which landed perfectly folded in my bag... amazing) buttoned up my distressed jeans, and i was over it. i grabbed my bag and headed to the door, and was engaged in the same tug-of-war routine that happens every time i try and leave this place. must.... go.... home!

my vow for the next week, which is now going to be called 'vantastic bike-o-rama' is to actually fall in love with the bike. can i do it? you'll have to tune in. maybe even place some bets. i know a really good jar we could use, it's in my bank account. i'll tell you where i'm at right now so we can compare my relationship in one weeks time: bike seats are right up there with something else i find particularly offensive: hairy backs.

chapter twelve: double x x

forgive me lord for i have sinned. "gems, did you just go to sleep without blogging?" yes, i un-blogged. so i regretfully acknowledge that i am a bad person, and will do ab jam... twice. i have a lot of ground i have to cover in the next blog, as yesterday turned into a little bit of a guns show.

i set out to work as per usual, except this time it was better. mama kirst, big al, sniffles and myself (i want boldface) decided today would be a good day to play gym. so half ten, i packed my little bag, and shipped myself over the cambie bridge. this was spontaneous, contagious, outrageous, and another 'ous' word i don't even know. we coordinated a workout and all played like big kids. i'd say 3/4 of us are pretty much still toddlers. 60% of the time, sniffles is professional every time. big al took over, which he promised he wouldn't, mostly because he has control issues. because they were late (ahem mama and sniffles) we didn't get going until 11:15, so we had to make it a quickie. nothing like a pre-lunch quickie.

back again to my lovely little work, with my post-exxercise glow. i finished up my day, packed my little bag, and shipped myself over the cambie bridge... again! yes, i am double dipping. headed in for round two of EJx. ahh, this is the good life. i also saw junior gong for the second time. he stared at me dead in the eyes, with a "you're going to over-do it young grasshopper" look in his eyes. i'm in trouble. i've been ordered the week off running, and now i'm not allowed impact either. jeez louise. this means no speed walking on the treadmill (damn), no playing on the steps (crap), and definitely no jumping around on the bosu (rats). these are a few of my favourite things. so, you ask me "excuse me gems, what is left for you to play with?" yeah, that's right. the bike.

whilst everyone was doing their delicious bosu-ey things, i was literally on time out in the corner. just me and my coffin. not to mention that i had to do up the foot straps so tight, to make sure i wasn't sliding around. all to not irritate my calves. these things that once were a safety harness, were now straps-o-death. chaining me to my coffin. all above 110rpm. icky.

friday nights are fun. everyones feeling good that the weekend is here, acting a little crazy. and living in canada, we can't have guns here. we're going to have to pack a new kind of heat. so we bust out our best dance moves on fridays, because we can.

chapter eleven: let them eat cake

i'd like to start off by sharing some rare and stimulating insights in my cosmic fabulosity. my best advice for any post workout wrap-up would be to multitask. like tonight, for example, i was hungry and i was also sore. so what conclusion and best time management practice could i use? eat in the shower. i'm not even joking, i had a full apple right inside my shower. all the way to the pit. and you know what? it was the total best. i saved time, and didn't even have sticky hands. i'd recommend it.

has anyone seen my headphones? seriously, this pisses me right off. i leave things generally in the same place, packed my bags for our run tonight, and couldn't find my headphones. how are you supposed to run for 40 minutes with no music, just wondering? i didn't even have a substitute, not a clarinet, no jazz flute, not even a boom box. i know two things, if i had an afro and a boom box i would have been all over the run tonight like a cheap suit. we headed down to the official EJ fire hydrant, and we were off like a herd of horses. one mile to the granville bridge. two minute rest. back to the start, two minute rest. back to the bridge, rest. and run home like it's the olympics says captain sparky.

being on the ghetto fabulous train this evening, i decided to make my run the most enjoyable possible. i would serenade myself with my own sweet, sweet song. i started with some will smith. "on your mark, ready, set, let's go..." i was also mentally in a great place tonight. i've been experimenting with my new found positivity towards running, and it's hard to get used to such a drastic change. it's a new lease on life. i've become increasingly sympathetic and supportive towards my body, it's becoming almost annoying. who knows, next i may start running in bright red lipstick soon.

so i made sure to inform sparks that i planned on keeping it 'easy' tonight. my legs have been on a hiatus, and apparently i've decided to be nicer to myself. so this was the plan. made our way out to get jiggy with it. first time out 9:04. 'see, i was taking it easy'. apparently that wasn't easy, that was 'good'. shit, try less. so we head back, and i did 9:39, i backed off successfully. baby got back. made our way out for round three. half way in, my calves reminded me that i wanted to pass out just like after a pie eating contest. i wish i could forgo the standard operating procedure of my legs and swap it for a way to do nothing in return. they'd just carry on without me, and i could potentially be reading a magazine while running around.

so here's the deal. i'm taking a week off running. i know, i know. take off your tutu and end this birthday party. but seriously, my calves make me want to get into rollerblading. rollerblading... fruit boots. what the? so the week off running it will be, lots of classes instead. maybe a little chicken too. by the way, i had cake for breakfast. let them eat cake. this little piggy went to strive, this little piggy went to cardio, this little piggy went to enduro, and this little piggy went running, running, running all the way home. and she's a cunning linguist. wow.

chapter ten: ab ripper x

"hi, i'm tony. welcome to great abs guarenteed. we're going to do seven moves, 30 seconds each. we'll do each one twice. start with the hip rocker. on our backs..." fun bobby must have watched p90x last night, because did we ever get an ab kicking this morning.

woke up today all doe-y eyed, wanting to just snuggle the day away in the gloriousness that is my bed. no! the show must go on, i snapped out of bed, and landed right into my running shoes. it was amazing. i've made a slight change in my sleep ritual in the last ten days. previous to this challenge, i liked to kick it at home in my furry ugg slippers. just as i get into bed, i put my slippers beside me so in the morning i'll stand up, and be like "oh my gosh, furry slippers." it surprises me every time. not this week ladies and gents, runners. get up out of bed and boom, i lace up. it's brilliant.

so we get underway with EJ: strive at 7 this morning. fun bobby (aka tony horton today) and er bear are cheer captains for the ultra sexy, all ladies class. split up into groups of two. they say it's because then you have one trainer per 6 people, but i think it's because tony has a 6 chick max. so we're building off the strive we did last week. core stability is round one (suck it in), balance is number two (hold it up), and hinging is number three (stick it out). all while looking extremely glamorous, and making it seem effortless. as always.

tony wanted to make sure we all knew who was the boss, so he included an ab jam for us. how pleasant. we weren't just working them, we completely re-designed our tummys. does anyone have any laundry i can do? it was a goodie. i do a lot of ab work anyway, but even today i was sweating like a sinner in church. there was one comment that was said, that was probably the second most motivating thing i've heard in a long time: "you didn't come this far for 40 minutes just to quit now." true. nothing like a last minute push before we all throw up on the yoga mats. by the way, my first favourite thing i've heard is that when doing a b&e (break and enter), wear your second favourite t-shirt. just in case you get caught on a fence. very helpful.

chapter nine: the wind in my sails

someone once told me that i was a lot taller than they had expected, and that because of my daddy long legs, i'd probably be cut out as a fast runner. i thanked them kindly, and ensured that i was actually a lot taller than i had planned to be. i figured i'd stop growing up at around 5'5'', but i just carried on. i also noted i was more or less a mediocre runner, at best.

we laced up tonight and headed back with sparky for round two of track tuesdays. 8x400m repeats. the idea of running one lap at a time, fairly quickly, eight times over, seemed tumultuous and unnecessarily complex. running to the mailbox is more my pace. mama kirst lead off the 2nd group, which was like being chained to a mad man. the absolute desire to keep up, but the loathing that she's a little blast of energy. the woman has more go than i do.

there was this hard, and totally obnoxious wind that would pick up and push you backwards just as we were nearing the final turn tonight. it made 8 laps absolutely exhausting. i mean, it is pretty easy otherwise. i was just faking the asthma attack. the funny thing is, the entire time i was running, i had to use the facilities. we're talking boarder line pissing of the pants. being pushed back when all you wanted to do was finish so you could use the washroom is a slight annoyance. to say the least.

today was a physical success, as i pushed my body in the direction that i wanted it to go in. i said, you will dance for me puppet. my first lap was quick, 1:35. fell back a bit between 2 and 3. 4th was nearly backwards, 1:52. took a rest and finally used the bathroom. 5th was middle of the road, fell back again to 1:49 around the 6 and 7. 8 i said, i'm the best friggen runner out there, my calf muscles aren't here right now, and i'm desperate for a gembolt. finished up with a 1:43. i know i can do better, but my calves started acting up again. it's time to get this under control, so for a massage i will go. $5 extra... noooo!!

it's funny, on occasion (the daily occasion) exercising is truthfully becoming more and more like crack. the trouble with crack, is that once you start, it's very difficult to stop. much like the snack pringles. this is EJ to me. there's a more-ish quality to EJ, that would make it a very good product for drug dealers. i was lucky enough to have three of the EJ boys come visit me this afternoon, for a mid-day tea. it was like a 'bring your drug dealer to work day.' what a perk. gotta love those crazy adrenaline junkies.

chapter eight: rusty deeps squats

after yoging around for the better part of the weekend, it somehow it occurred to me that i was already one day into our second week of the challenge. there were times that i'd encounter with myself, previous to the EJ:30, that i wouldn't think twice about doing a class. i cant imagine a time now where i don't want to be playing. this is recess for grown ups. or in my case, for people who should act more like a grown up. i know now that if i ever want a chance at being on tv, i'd have to become a respectable ambassador for le fitness. my vote is that i'm well on my way. i also know that i'll have to work on my deep squats even further in order to be taken seriously by any third-world government. it's time for a release plus.

along with the 50 percent of women who have a fair size bag of goods in their bras, i have never been a huge fan of the treadmill. first of all, i am unclear as to why they're called treadmills when, for the most part, they look like an upside down belt sander. obviously, "take a little jog on the belt sander" doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same way. but in all honesty, it should be 'belt' or 'spinny sidewalk'. none the less, this is where we start again today. big al's the boss. 3 minutes on, then switch to the step.

i believe it's one thing to be hesitant of the reputation of a stepclass, maybe because you have a leg that's longer than the other. but, if you're a woman and are not doing everything in your power to wild-out to a kylie minogue song while jumping up and down, then obviously you're not serious about experiencing all life has to offer. so we're taking over the world one straddle down at a time. at one point during round two after being on the treadmill, i was doing a basic step, and nearly ate the front desk. i played it off like i was trying to break it in half with my head. i think they were convinced...

so after yesterdays release and yoga, i was feeling damn confident about my posture. now don't get me wrong, i have some very serious shortcomings. i know that i have a tendency to talk in my sleep. i know that my body, specifically my legs, have trouble staying where i put them, and i also know i am pretty much useless when it comes to flexibility or anything to do with road maps. i know on both of those fronts it's best that i keep practicing. but most important, i know that i won't want anyone to ever look at me and think, what the hell is up with her deep squats?

is it possible to be the worst squatter in the world? i think i may take that prize. i seem to remember last weeks kinesis assisted deep squatting was going a lot more smoothly. today was nothing but rusty wheels. what have i done this week to change that? was it all the latenight scrabble, rum and cigarettes? kidding, so gross. especially the scrabble, i mean seriously. maybe i'll call my groin tomorrow and see if it's changed it's attitude towards letting go. i wonder why my body was acting so selfish, when i clearly used to have the upper hand? it's like me sitting at a dinner table with a sweet marble slab, and someone kicking me in the shins and stealing my icecream. er bear was trying some wd-40, but it wasn't necessarily working.

whether it's organic or forced, i'm extremely attracted to EJ:30's take-no-prisoners approach. we're grabbing the new year by the balls (please excuse the french here, but i don't think 'horns', 'ear', or 'month' are quite nearly as appropriate) and giving them a little twist. it's time to step it up, bust it out, and sweat hard. maybe even adopt a kid, depending on how expensive they are.

chapter seven: puddle on the earth

one week down, three to go. that just really breaks my heart. i think i'm onto something here, endorphins ARE the new street legal drug. we play and play and play, then get all addicted. i may even have to start my own group fashioned after MADD post challengola. but i'll call it PWJNMJ, people who just need more junk.

just a quickie update: yesterday after my lightning fast run, i was so peeved that i decided it was absolutely not acceptable to finish my day on such a low. i figured i'd do a yin yoga class to finish the night off right. that, and dance the macarena. yes i did both. i think i get extra points here, as i also did another hot yoga class tonight too. that means in the last 48 hours i've done 4 classes! holla.

today was my first sleep-in since sunday last week, and it was long overdue. i started to look a little like edward scissorhands with a pimp walk (note: the charlie horsed calves). yes, it was that bad. thank god for push up bras or i'd be S.O.L. headed south to the safe injection site, formally known as EJone. there was a great energy from everyone in the studio doing the class prior to mine. looking sharp kids.

today was my 'rest' day, so i did a lovely little release class, taught by the hottest ladies out there this side of the cambie street bridge, miss kimbells and er bear. totally different feeling than any class i've done thus far. we started off with dynamic stretching and concentrated breathing. then, we integrated movements focused on stretching, with assistance from the kinesis for added resistance. i'm not sure what i'd prefer, using the kinesis machine and being able to make all the silly-stretchyfaces i want. or, to partner stretch with the hot fireman that made me soup thursday. hmm? i just wanted to point out that in the second half of our class, kimbells was demoing a seated forward fold and i was in awe. i don't think i've ever seen a sexier stretch. good job girlfriend, looking good out there. it was effortless, rhythmical, passionate. my was dirty, tired and paunchy. i even made a silly-stretchyface into my legs, thank god no one saw.

i also got to practice my bridge in the last bit of class. it was nearly london bridge is falling down, but i made it through. i wouldn't send anyone over it anytime soon though. i must mention, i did feel quite like a dancer today. i wonder if it came across as elegant, or more like pamela anderson's upper torso? oh, and a calves update for anyone interested in my lower legs: after my yin, release, hot yoga, they're starting to relax. thank you for all that puddling on the earth. i sent all my intentions in my last three classes to my calves. just so when they're better i can meet them at the bikeracks after school and kick their ass all over again.

i've set a new goal with my running because i want to be successful: i will do hot yoga every night after my runs to help stretch. mainly because i hate sucking. so, i will not suck. Namasté.

chapter six: hi, i'm the world

are you there, advil? it's me, gemma. there are three things we will all do in our lives. we're all going to die, we're all going to cry, and we'll all wear an outfit we'll regret. one of those happened to me today, and no i'm not writing this from the grave. i wasn't biking. if you're a regular gemsjunkie, you'll come to note that i've been suffering from a bad case of charlie the horse in both of my calves since wednesday. today was no exception. i wish i could tell them to pack up and take a hike. but unfortunately they've got me convinced they're a key ingredient in being a vegas showgirl. this is something i'd like to pick up in the next four to six weeks. none the less, they've been a real pain in the ass the latter part of this week, and it's really hindering my performance.

EJ: run maratraining day three commences as usual, 5k time trial. i was nervous all night about how the calves (from this point on being referred to as 'casses') and how they'd react to yet another beating. luckilly, there was no rain. very chilly, but absolutely gorgeous day. i think it was the big man upstairs' way of making it a little more bearable. for those un-educated on the riley park area, it's an olympic venue just south of the city, situated around a park (with lots of hills) making the run quite challenging in the best of health.

i started out somewhat normal, holding a bit in reserve as i didn't want to burn out and have to go to rehab like britney. i mean, i was talking about shaving my head yesterday. besides the point. we made our first turn, and made our way up the very first hill. very painful, but i pressed on. it was about half way through the 5k that my casses completely bailed out on me. they had absolutely enough and didn't want to do anything more, so in typical jerk fashion, they locked up and said "F O!" i think it was at this point where i fell down to the sidewalk and burst into tears. the weight of the world was on my shoulders. felt a little tap-tap, slowly turned around to see what it was, surely to see "hi, uh yeah, i don't know if you know me, but i'm the friggen world." and just like that i was crying like a little girl.

i forced myself up and kept running, the person i want to beat most today was myself. i'd just like to point out that i was crying the entire time, watering the grass as i was going. i could have probably grown crops with my tears if i had a packet of seeds. next time. i passed a few people on my way, and was totally embarrassed that i looked like such a jackass. you know when you think that everyones watching and fascinated with your hysterics? you'd turn around and see that everyone was following you, just to see if you would cry harder. that was today.

i had to stop and walk a bunch (like a total baby) but i'm certain the muscles in my legs are no longer attached. it's probably the most pain i've been in a long time. i'd rather get punched in the face than continue having this feeling south of my knees. but, i continued on, sprinted down the big hill at the end, turned the corner, and did the best variation of a gembolt i could muster up. 30:50, with more than likely half walking. sparky says good job, i say absolutely not satasfied, but i tried damn hard. i wonder if they give epidurals to people with torn casses?

i'm going home. i'm taking a hot shower. probably will consume a bottle of advil and maybe do a few shots. welcome to the real world, compression socks.

chapter five: prison break

i woke up very early this morning and apprehensively opened my eyes. i looked around the room trying to think of a situation that could be any worse than this, and i decided that the only thing that could possibly be worse would be prison. i was scared to move, the last time my body and i had a conversation my legs told me they were going on vacation. i had to convince myself to move, just to test out how the legs felt. nothing but charlie horse. after feeling what my calves had been reduced to, i even considered shaving my head for a more dramatic effect.

i think i may have done my job today between stretches. must. get. ready. for. class. it was a full day procedure getting my legs back up to snuff for our x-ercise class, but come 5pm they were as ready as they were going to be. it's go time. fridays are all about the energy, the ambience, the way we look on the floor. turn the music up loud and lets go.

i knew right away things were going to be a goodie, but it ended up being spectacular and damn retro. i got an 80's wayback playback tonight, and i think i loved it? one move in particular brought a big grin across my face. i think i may have even let out a little giggle, the one you do when you're 5 on christmas morning. i'm sure a more appropriate theme of attire would be slouchy ankle warmers, mid-thigh tights with a neon thong over top and a scrunchie in my hair to top it off. let me just remind you, the scrunchie will never be cool again, so don't even try and bring it back. are you ready for it... hip thrusters. amazing. we should have put on a billy ocean cassette and done a buns of steel video.

sniffles and big al lead it like pros, however, i wish they'd been in 80's gear and we could have made a night out of it. note to self, add 80's theme friday nights. through the last agility phase it was quick tempo, lots of energy, hard and fast. i was jumping so hard my hair landed in a side pony tail by the end of class. it was quite fitting considering EJ X is now being referred to exxxercise. well done boys.

there are some times where it is completely acceptable to voice your true affection of jane fonda. today is one of those days.