chapter twenty one: captain shaky pants

speaking of bacardi, this afternoon was a little on the wobbly side. a lot on the wobbly side to be precise. i strapped on the full length tights and mentally prepared myself for quiet time, aka release. remember, this is the true challenge for me.

we did our first assisted stretches with help from the kinesis. bigger, deeper, longer. it's nice. miss nix brought out a pair of ankle straps which i pointed out may be a little more appropriate for a late friday night, or even attached to my bedposts. just a thought. but proceed we did, and did they ever give a damn good stretch. another funny little movement we got to practice today was the scapula rotation. now, if you haven't noticed, miss nix has an absolutely exquisite set of scapulas. enough to drive any man mad. she must practice a lot. i think my scaps need some work. it was during the first rotation through the movement that i heard a huge pop out of my left shoulder. hmm. first we introduce dominatrix style equipment on a casual sunday afternoon, now i'm feeling the need for someone to play doctor? oh lord, please help me.

through the second phase we did some sumo squats, which i thought were going pretty well, until fun bobby decided to point out my 'perfect form' which forced me to lose balance and fall flat on my badunkadunk. talk about pressure. we went into mountain climbers to stretch out the hip flexers, and it felt so good. you know, i really don't set out enough time in my day to really get at the ol' hip flexers. those baddies were tight, and i was sweating something fierce while doing this stretch sequence.

our third phase was a bit on balance. bringing out our inner ballerinas. bobbers was the best at this one, hands down. his tutu was packing some major heat. controlled tippy toes, slow releases, tippy toes with our eyes closed (which i'm going to practice at the bar.) spins on one foot and another (what'd you do in class today? we twirled), and rolling like a ball. something was up with my balance today i tell you. i ate it, probably a good three times before the end of class. today consisted of me pretending to be zen, falling over, laughing my ass off, then pretending to be zen again. (note the picture of me laughing my ass off while sitting on my ass)

sundays are probably more productive, and definitely more balanced when you lay off the mimosas. forgive me lord, for i have sinned.

and fyi... the number is five o two

chapter twenty: botox and bacardi

"i woke up in the morning feeling like p diddy. grab my glasses, i'm out the door, i'm gonna hit this city. before i leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of jack. cuz when i leave for the gym i aint coming back." just your average saturday morning.

day three straight of EJ:x. for those who don't talk dirty, that's xxx. it's a surefire sign that you wear short shorts a lot to the gym, when the first thing you hear is not: "good morning beautiful" or "great to see ya" or "welcome to the jungle!" it's: "what are you doing wearing pants?" hmm, note to self. less is more.

apart from my legs not being the real topic of todays discussion, we started off fabulously as per usual. kicked things off with sniffles and the group. phase one, kinesis. nothing better than heavy plates and loud music to get you off first thing on a saturday morning. oh la la. just as soon as we started we were finished. 7 minutes just flies by when you're having fun. so i saddled up on my boyfriend une bicyclette and geared up for 7 minutes in heaven. no this didn't involve a closet. not today anyway.

big al was large and in charge of us for phase two, cardio. i noticed something when i was givin' er today. i always look at the same thing when i'm biking: the house numbers on the condo across the road from the junkyard. i know there's a zero involved. and i'm pretty sure a two. tomorrows mission, if you choose to accept, is to find and photograph the street number. i always pretend like i'm getting closer, and that the numbers are, in fact, increasing. but alas, no distance. just a pain in the ass. i also figured out that i have a pretty serious bike face, which sometimes can look like a scowl. there's botox for that, so not to worry.

increased group traffic today made me have to last longer on the bike. that, and i was a lot sweatier than normal. wow, innuendoes much? i tell ya, pretty soon the only kind of relationship the bike and i are going to have is a dysfunctional one. and i'll be driven to drink and too stubborn to leave. it's not that easy. my cd's are in the trunk.

chapter nineteen: tight and bright

"you just popped in the EJ: get right for the summer workout tape. and ladies, if you follow these instructions correctly we're going to make your body look great. one and two and three and four and get those situps right, do your crunches just like this, and tuck your tummy tight."

it was the mid eighties when i got my first dose of neon. it was a onezie with room for a diaper, and i was over the moon. this was the first piece of the puzzle that i'd use later in life to suggest a tight and bright 80's night at the junkyard. after sitting down in my closet and demanding to know the exact electric status of my wardrobe, it had become clear to me that in order to fulfill the buns of steel that i so badly desired. i would have no choice but to participate in a friday night theme workout.

big al and sniffles scampered off into the boys change room to get suited up. and then the doors opened... we all stared in astonishment. i was sitting on a bosu, gazing at them for a good couple of minutes before even blinking. milli vanilli actually came to teach our class. the energy level skyrocketed, and my ability to take them seriously headed in precisely the opposite direction. and then there was fun bobby. his assets would be best described as on par with someone in an 80's hairband. the way his denim cutoffs remained in-tact during his squat demos left me in awe. i could hear the seams screaming. i speak confidently when saying all three men tonight look better in tights and cutoffs than jane fonda.

here is the news: i've developed a serious crush on the bike over the last week, but i'm still not sure if i'm ready to admit that i am really enjoying grinding it out. i was doing sprints in the second set, 20 rpm's higher than milli told me. he and i were both completely flabbergasted. then he upped my tension. oh ya, now we're sweatin'.

plank series to finish, but i would have preferred hip thrusters. while holding my plank position for close to what felt like an hour, i had started thinking about how neon tights could help me make ends meet. i'm not really sure what kind of ceo wears neon tight pants, or what type of work they refer to, but since i generate roughly the same income as a giraffe, i figured why not test it out? maybe i'll be in a rap music video... even though i can work legally, these were the two most realistic (and badass) options: i could either start my own underground buns of steel circut, or become a prostitute. like i said, realistic when tights are included.

chapter eighteen: the gemmers new groove

a wise soul once said "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." i'm living proof. after my hilarious altercation with the kinesis machines yesterday, i sat myself down and said "you're numba one. grab that net and catch those beautiful butterflies." stood up, slapped myself on the ass and danced to journey in baseball socks and an oversized t. it's amazing what nonsense can motivate one.

so apres work, i galloped over to the junkyard to play EJ: x. i welcomed my new burst of energy with the utmost exuberance, un-matched by many. i thanked my body for deciding to actually show up with a sarcastic "good evening, nice of you to have turned up. thanks. lovely to see you again." it was almost like i had been absent yesterday. i thought to myself, it's nice in here isn't it. great atmosphere and that. and with that, i welcomed myself back to class.

i was first put into a group with all the gimps and the boys. us three 'injured' girls and the dudes were stuck in a group together. now, is the reason the girls got hurt so the boys could keep up? kidding! started over in cardy land with mr junior gong himself. "to the bikes ladies"... ohhhh, we all dragged our heels and pouted all the way over. we didn't even get bonus points for cute pouty face. god, round one was hard. but i was singing and dancing to the songs for the first 4 minutes. then we had to grind it out. i friggen hate those words.

popped over to sniffles real quick, and started with plank with knee drives on the medicine ball. sniffles obviously doesn't know how to handle such a fantastic fitnesseur, because he just came and kicked my balls. literally, stood there and kicked the ball. what, like it's not hard enough already? maybe it was punishment for yesterday.

we switched again to hangout with mr junior gong aka das coach, "back to the bikes girls." we did something i've never done before, 4 beats sitting, 4 beats standing. repeat. x4 minutes. ankles was the leader here out of the three of us, but i felt the need to sing along. we had a sweet song to start off with. 'sexy chick'. nothing sexier than a girl red in the face, sweat dripping down her back with a messy bun. sick.

sniffles took custody of us one more time, this time for the fun stuff. lunge punches, heavy squats, lat pulls to tricep kickbacks, power situps, power squats and the best one of all, the heavy belt of jumping doom. so cool. sometimes, i felt like i was going to slingshot across the room, which i think could have been probably the most epic scene since the slow-mo boob shot in baywatch.

you know, if you ever hear me say "let's do x", you know what i'm talking about. it don't bother me, because we're all on something.

chapter seventeen: i used to get high

"7am: the garbage truck beeps as it backs up and i start my day thinking of what i've thrown away." i've thrown away the love of my life this week, and it's the hardest thing i've done in about, say, 48 hours. no i am not a coffee drinker. and i rarely drink tea. something more devastating. more heartbreaking. more monumental of a task. hot... chocolate... take my soul, but not my hot chocolate.

this morning, there was something missing. i woke up feeling like a dog with no bone. a girl without her mexican assistant. you may think i've chosen carmelita because i like my apartment clean, but no, it's because i happen to be very passionate about pico de gallo sauce. that and hot chocolate. but today, nothing, nada, zip. i have officially lost my pepper lady's and gent's.

you know the drill, high five for strive. fun bobby and er bear herding the lethargic slugs that used to be the perky 7am-ers. i'm comfortable saying that i'm a pretty big deal. ok, that's an exaggeration, but i have one or two moves that i bust out now and then on the kinesis machines. today i was all but spinning tires. trying to get traction but there was no budging. i am going to admit something to you, and you need to promise not to tell. i was tired. i know, i thought it was impossible too. but, day seventeen was a day to delete from the 30day handbook.

my mountain climbers looked more like mountain goats. burpee's we're horriffic. my power sit ups were pretty fly, for a white guy. but i still was napping on the way down. i told FB that i was tired after class and he replied cheekily "i know, i can tell." it was one of those moments when you discover a whole entire stalk of asparagus growing out of your front teeth, and saying to your friend "why the hell didn't you tell me?" someone should have yelled at me today. if this happens tomorrow i'm doing an 8 ball in the bathroom between sets. inappropriate yes, but i'm desperate. and when i say 8 ball i obviously mean eat a pack of skittles. because they're friggen delicious.

chapter sixteen: late-night lunging

it was a balmy january day, and i decided tonight would be an excellent night for some late-night lunging. i woke up this morning and thought to myself, "you know, today seems like the best day and i'd really love to do as much static lunging as possible." you know the point where you start to shake, and then your muscles feel like they're being lit by a match? yeah, i want to go further than that.

so, to EJ: endurance i went. it was interesting, i haven't done an enduro class yet, and you can definitely see and feel the differences. the best description for this would be getting into a fight with someone half your age and size, but learning all too quickly that they're packing so much heat they're going to make you go home and weep like a little girl.

big al and er bear were commando today, or commanders... or both? it was a fairly stacked class. although, i feel like there's a little less energy in the air this week because of the no caffeine challenge. thank goodness i put a bit of NOS in my yogurt at breakfast. we did everything apart from our first round in static lunges. let me just explain the severity of this for those who might not quite get it: envision spending more time creating a 'box' with your legs than standing up straight. then, you feel like you've been hit by a truck. then, the truck runs you over. now switch legs. yikes.

needless to say, things were hard. damn hard. i guess that's the point of a challenge right? everyone seemed to rise to the occasion, or lunge to the occasion. after this puppy, i'm ready for endurance insurance. should'a got that insured, geiko for ya moneyyyyyyyy!

chapter fifteen: dirty double

so today is officially half way through the challenge and i don't know exactly what i want to feel. ok, that's a big lie. i don't want this to end, truthfully. of course it's hard, i mean, i definitely have found muscles that i didn't know existed, which are now hurting. but, if i had known that this would turn into a love affair, i would have (a) lodged a formal complaint with internal affairs that this challenge is not long enough, and (b) it would have given me more time to find the perfect sized butt pads. the bike and i are still rolling mad deep.

i felt like i'd kick off the second half of the challenge with another dirty double. started off the evening with a lovely release plus class. er bear was being her fabulous self, and big al wanted to ensure that because our playlist was catering to the cardio part of the workout, and that we weren't jammin' while releasing on the kinesis. he of course gave us a fantastic demo, that which will go down in the hall of fame. bridges, and spine twists and stabilized scapulas, oh my! i also got a charlie horse in my butt, that was interesting.

just as soon as we started, we finished again. on to the next class, strive! my muscles were nice and warm, (and were wondering what they did to make me punish them so) i was ready to go. round two. we partnered up (as it was bring your friend to strive class day) and got underway with the ever famous class. fun bobby and sparky were the big men on campus for this one. they're quite the dynamic duo, let me tell you. apart from nearly hip checking fun bobbers into the ladies change-room, things were off to a great start.

core stability, core stability, core stability. my name is gems and i'm 5'-8''. i'm also a core stabilizing expert, says sparky. we do 3 sets of bosu exercises between our kinesis sets. high knees running (which on a deflated bosu had a slight resemblance of a poorly edited kung fu movie) bosu burpies and mountain climbers. we did the same bosu exercises between sets, and every time it got harder and harder. thank goodness for the great explanation "pretend like you're picking 'something' off the floor" during round three of kinesis, or things wouldn't have been so clear. finished up with another one of fun bobby's fab-ab's. and a big partner stretch. ahhhh so good.

i leave class now so pumped up that i walk through the alley to the skytrain, almost hoping to get jumped. i knew i can kick some serious butt and have dreams of heading to the sketchy side of downtown just to throw down my mad skillz.