chapter nine: the wind in my sails

someone once told me that i was a lot taller than they had expected, and that because of my daddy long legs, i'd probably be cut out as a fast runner. i thanked them kindly, and ensured that i was actually a lot taller than i had planned to be. i figured i'd stop growing up at around 5'5'', but i just carried on. i also noted i was more or less a mediocre runner, at best.

we laced up tonight and headed back with sparky for round two of track tuesdays. 8x400m repeats. the idea of running one lap at a time, fairly quickly, eight times over, seemed tumultuous and unnecessarily complex. running to the mailbox is more my pace. mama kirst lead off the 2nd group, which was like being chained to a mad man. the absolute desire to keep up, but the loathing that she's a little blast of energy. the woman has more go than i do.

there was this hard, and totally obnoxious wind that would pick up and push you backwards just as we were nearing the final turn tonight. it made 8 laps absolutely exhausting. i mean, it is pretty easy otherwise. i was just faking the asthma attack. the funny thing is, the entire time i was running, i had to use the facilities. we're talking boarder line pissing of the pants. being pushed back when all you wanted to do was finish so you could use the washroom is a slight annoyance. to say the least.

today was a physical success, as i pushed my body in the direction that i wanted it to go in. i said, you will dance for me puppet. my first lap was quick, 1:35. fell back a bit between 2 and 3. 4th was nearly backwards, 1:52. took a rest and finally used the bathroom. 5th was middle of the road, fell back again to 1:49 around the 6 and 7. 8 i said, i'm the best friggen runner out there, my calf muscles aren't here right now, and i'm desperate for a gembolt. finished up with a 1:43. i know i can do better, but my calves started acting up again. it's time to get this under control, so for a massage i will go. $5 extra... noooo!!

it's funny, on occasion (the daily occasion) exercising is truthfully becoming more and more like crack. the trouble with crack, is that once you start, it's very difficult to stop. much like the snack pringles. this is EJ to me. there's a more-ish quality to EJ, that would make it a very good product for drug dealers. i was lucky enough to have three of the EJ boys come visit me this afternoon, for a mid-day tea. it was like a 'bring your drug dealer to work day.' what a perk. gotta love those crazy adrenaline junkies.

chapter eight: rusty deeps squats

after yoging around for the better part of the weekend, it somehow it occurred to me that i was already one day into our second week of the challenge. there were times that i'd encounter with myself, previous to the EJ:30, that i wouldn't think twice about doing a class. i cant imagine a time now where i don't want to be playing. this is recess for grown ups. or in my case, for people who should act more like a grown up. i know now that if i ever want a chance at being on tv, i'd have to become a respectable ambassador for le fitness. my vote is that i'm well on my way. i also know that i'll have to work on my deep squats even further in order to be taken seriously by any third-world government. it's time for a release plus.

along with the 50 percent of women who have a fair size bag of goods in their bras, i have never been a huge fan of the treadmill. first of all, i am unclear as to why they're called treadmills when, for the most part, they look like an upside down belt sander. obviously, "take a little jog on the belt sander" doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same way. but in all honesty, it should be 'belt' or 'spinny sidewalk'. none the less, this is where we start again today. big al's the boss. 3 minutes on, then switch to the step.

i believe it's one thing to be hesitant of the reputation of a stepclass, maybe because you have a leg that's longer than the other. but, if you're a woman and are not doing everything in your power to wild-out to a kylie minogue song while jumping up and down, then obviously you're not serious about experiencing all life has to offer. so we're taking over the world one straddle down at a time. at one point during round two after being on the treadmill, i was doing a basic step, and nearly ate the front desk. i played it off like i was trying to break it in half with my head. i think they were convinced...

so after yesterdays release and yoga, i was feeling damn confident about my posture. now don't get me wrong, i have some very serious shortcomings. i know that i have a tendency to talk in my sleep. i know that my body, specifically my legs, have trouble staying where i put them, and i also know i am pretty much useless when it comes to flexibility or anything to do with road maps. i know on both of those fronts it's best that i keep practicing. but most important, i know that i won't want anyone to ever look at me and think, what the hell is up with her deep squats?

is it possible to be the worst squatter in the world? i think i may take that prize. i seem to remember last weeks kinesis assisted deep squatting was going a lot more smoothly. today was nothing but rusty wheels. what have i done this week to change that? was it all the latenight scrabble, rum and cigarettes? kidding, so gross. especially the scrabble, i mean seriously. maybe i'll call my groin tomorrow and see if it's changed it's attitude towards letting go. i wonder why my body was acting so selfish, when i clearly used to have the upper hand? it's like me sitting at a dinner table with a sweet marble slab, and someone kicking me in the shins and stealing my icecream. er bear was trying some wd-40, but it wasn't necessarily working.

whether it's organic or forced, i'm extremely attracted to EJ:30's take-no-prisoners approach. we're grabbing the new year by the balls (please excuse the french here, but i don't think 'horns', 'ear', or 'month' are quite nearly as appropriate) and giving them a little twist. it's time to step it up, bust it out, and sweat hard. maybe even adopt a kid, depending on how expensive they are.

chapter seven: puddle on the earth

one week down, three to go. that just really breaks my heart. i think i'm onto something here, endorphins ARE the new street legal drug. we play and play and play, then get all addicted. i may even have to start my own group fashioned after MADD post challengola. but i'll call it PWJNMJ, people who just need more junk.

just a quickie update: yesterday after my lightning fast run, i was so peeved that i decided it was absolutely not acceptable to finish my day on such a low. i figured i'd do a yin yoga class to finish the night off right. that, and dance the macarena. yes i did both. i think i get extra points here, as i also did another hot yoga class tonight too. that means in the last 48 hours i've done 4 classes! holla.

today was my first sleep-in since sunday last week, and it was long overdue. i started to look a little like edward scissorhands with a pimp walk (note: the charlie horsed calves). yes, it was that bad. thank god for push up bras or i'd be S.O.L. headed south to the safe injection site, formally known as EJone. there was a great energy from everyone in the studio doing the class prior to mine. looking sharp kids.

today was my 'rest' day, so i did a lovely little release class, taught by the hottest ladies out there this side of the cambie street bridge, miss kimbells and er bear. totally different feeling than any class i've done thus far. we started off with dynamic stretching and concentrated breathing. then, we integrated movements focused on stretching, with assistance from the kinesis for added resistance. i'm not sure what i'd prefer, using the kinesis machine and being able to make all the silly-stretchyfaces i want. or, to partner stretch with the hot fireman that made me soup thursday. hmm? i just wanted to point out that in the second half of our class, kimbells was demoing a seated forward fold and i was in awe. i don't think i've ever seen a sexier stretch. good job girlfriend, looking good out there. it was effortless, rhythmical, passionate. my was dirty, tired and paunchy. i even made a silly-stretchyface into my legs, thank god no one saw.

i also got to practice my bridge in the last bit of class. it was nearly london bridge is falling down, but i made it through. i wouldn't send anyone over it anytime soon though. i must mention, i did feel quite like a dancer today. i wonder if it came across as elegant, or more like pamela anderson's upper torso? oh, and a calves update for anyone interested in my lower legs: after my yin, release, hot yoga, they're starting to relax. thank you for all that puddling on the earth. i sent all my intentions in my last three classes to my calves. just so when they're better i can meet them at the bikeracks after school and kick their ass all over again.

i've set a new goal with my running because i want to be successful: i will do hot yoga every night after my runs to help stretch. mainly because i hate sucking. so, i will not suck. Namasté.

chapter six: hi, i'm the world

are you there, advil? it's me, gemma. there are three things we will all do in our lives. we're all going to die, we're all going to cry, and we'll all wear an outfit we'll regret. one of those happened to me today, and no i'm not writing this from the grave. i wasn't biking. if you're a regular gemsjunkie, you'll come to note that i've been suffering from a bad case of charlie the horse in both of my calves since wednesday. today was no exception. i wish i could tell them to pack up and take a hike. but unfortunately they've got me convinced they're a key ingredient in being a vegas showgirl. this is something i'd like to pick up in the next four to six weeks. none the less, they've been a real pain in the ass the latter part of this week, and it's really hindering my performance.

EJ: run maratraining day three commences as usual, 5k time trial. i was nervous all night about how the calves (from this point on being referred to as 'casses') and how they'd react to yet another beating. luckilly, there was no rain. very chilly, but absolutely gorgeous day. i think it was the big man upstairs' way of making it a little more bearable. for those un-educated on the riley park area, it's an olympic venue just south of the city, situated around a park (with lots of hills) making the run quite challenging in the best of health.

i started out somewhat normal, holding a bit in reserve as i didn't want to burn out and have to go to rehab like britney. i mean, i was talking about shaving my head yesterday. besides the point. we made our first turn, and made our way up the very first hill. very painful, but i pressed on. it was about half way through the 5k that my casses completely bailed out on me. they had absolutely enough and didn't want to do anything more, so in typical jerk fashion, they locked up and said "F O!" i think it was at this point where i fell down to the sidewalk and burst into tears. the weight of the world was on my shoulders. felt a little tap-tap, slowly turned around to see what it was, surely to see "hi, uh yeah, i don't know if you know me, but i'm the friggen world." and just like that i was crying like a little girl.

i forced myself up and kept running, the person i want to beat most today was myself. i'd just like to point out that i was crying the entire time, watering the grass as i was going. i could have probably grown crops with my tears if i had a packet of seeds. next time. i passed a few people on my way, and was totally embarrassed that i looked like such a jackass. you know when you think that everyones watching and fascinated with your hysterics? you'd turn around and see that everyone was following you, just to see if you would cry harder. that was today.

i had to stop and walk a bunch (like a total baby) but i'm certain the muscles in my legs are no longer attached. it's probably the most pain i've been in a long time. i'd rather get punched in the face than continue having this feeling south of my knees. but, i continued on, sprinted down the big hill at the end, turned the corner, and did the best variation of a gembolt i could muster up. 30:50, with more than likely half walking. sparky says good job, i say absolutely not satasfied, but i tried damn hard. i wonder if they give epidurals to people with torn casses?

i'm going home. i'm taking a hot shower. probably will consume a bottle of advil and maybe do a few shots. welcome to the real world, compression socks.

chapter five: prison break

i woke up very early this morning and apprehensively opened my eyes. i looked around the room trying to think of a situation that could be any worse than this, and i decided that the only thing that could possibly be worse would be prison. i was scared to move, the last time my body and i had a conversation my legs told me they were going on vacation. i had to convince myself to move, just to test out how the legs felt. nothing but charlie horse. after feeling what my calves had been reduced to, i even considered shaving my head for a more dramatic effect.

i think i may have done my job today between stretches. must. get. ready. for. class. it was a full day procedure getting my legs back up to snuff for our x-ercise class, but come 5pm they were as ready as they were going to be. it's go time. fridays are all about the energy, the ambience, the way we look on the floor. turn the music up loud and lets go.

i knew right away things were going to be a goodie, but it ended up being spectacular and damn retro. i got an 80's wayback playback tonight, and i think i loved it? one move in particular brought a big grin across my face. i think i may have even let out a little giggle, the one you do when you're 5 on christmas morning. i'm sure a more appropriate theme of attire would be slouchy ankle warmers, mid-thigh tights with a neon thong over top and a scrunchie in my hair to top it off. let me just remind you, the scrunchie will never be cool again, so don't even try and bring it back. are you ready for it... hip thrusters. amazing. we should have put on a billy ocean cassette and done a buns of steel video.

sniffles and big al lead it like pros, however, i wish they'd been in 80's gear and we could have made a night out of it. note to self, add 80's theme friday nights. through the last agility phase it was quick tempo, lots of energy, hard and fast. i was jumping so hard my hair landed in a side pony tail by the end of class. it was quite fitting considering EJ X is now being referred to exxxercise. well done boys.

there are some times where it is completely acceptable to voice your true affection of jane fonda. today is one of those days.

chapter four: crouching tiger hidden charlie horse

there are times where i say to myself, what on earth have you gotten yourself into? 30 days, 40 days, 100 days, i'd do it. continually convincing myself that i, in fact, am a runner is a bit of a stretch. but i'm not ruling anything out. i had to tell myself today, knock off the hippy sh*t, strap on a helmet and give 'er.

let me just explain something here, it's not just raining today, i'm pretty sure there's been a tap turned on over the city. everyone looks a little pissed off, and a lot like drown rats. someone might ask me, excuse me miss gems i can't quite visualize, i think i need another example. how can i put this so you can understand the magnitude of the situation? niagara falls is currently being dumped on vancouver. sounds like a good night to run. absolutely spectacular conditions, makes me just jump for joy.

so what's the point? well, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. i'm sure the same theory applies in the maratraining department. rain or shine baby. the name of the game is 20 minute negative splits. sounds like something you'd see at the brass rail. unfortunately, there wasn't over priced beer and day old appetizers being served at tonight's class. we had to run as far as we can at 85% for 20 minutes, turn around, and make it back to the start in less time than we started out. so if you make it to the EJ fire-hydrant in less than 40, you're the man!

i started off being all professional, dodging the puddles, hood up, cuffs over my hands. i was convinced it was only drizzling and i surely would return in a somewhat dry state. was i ever wrong. i think i took in more water tonight than if i were a sham-wow. maybe i could sew a few sham-wow's together and make a jacket... nevermind. off topic, which is a growing trend of tonight's adventures. it's amazing when all the slow songs come on your i-pod one after another, how much your mind tends to wander. here's an example of a few things that came to mind whilst in our swimming lessons:

1. maybe if i try and jump up onto the curb and pretend to fall into the water in front of these condos the homeowner (who is obviously a hot firefighter) would take me in and make me soup.

2. we've made in to the burrard street bridge, i could keep running right home.

3. why do they call charlie horses that? my calves are jacked up and we haven't even turned around yet. maybe i'll cab back.

4. my playlist sucks right now.

5. i'm so glad that it's raining, 40 minutes of running is so easy.

6. jump in every single puddle on the way back because splashing is fun, and you're soaked anyway.

this is just a brief introduction to the mysterious ways my little brain works. welcome to the jungle brother. but i will tell ya, running somewhat alone on a dark trail gets the hamster running upstairs. i was nearly convinced that i'd get jumped on the way back. i've always felt a certain kind of pressure to join an asian gang anyway. maybe this is the year. thankfully my martial arts have significantly improved since crouching tiger, hidden dragon. i passed a few people on the route back that looked at me, sort of like i was a crazy person jumping in puddles. wait... anyway, i gave them a peace sign. they gave me dirty looks.

so i made it, and did my signature move, gazelled for the last 100m. this is sort of a trade mark now, i think. i'm going to name it. from now on, please refer to it as the gembolt. proud of myself for gembolting after 40 mins of the front crawl. yep, it happened. finished in 39:10. allllllllright. it's a good thing we finished when we did, because any more splashing around and i may have ended up on "girls gone wild".

mopped ourselves into EJ, and peeled the layers that once were clothing off. everything was so wet i could barely keep ahold of my clothes and shoes, and was leaving puppy prints all over the floor with my wet socks. big al came to my rescue and gave me some socks. you sir are one in a million, love ya longtime. just a side note, my calves are jacked and i feel like i got sweep kicked. i'm currently lying in bed, and wish i knew a masseuse. i also wish there were dial-a-massage. maybe i'll start that.

i'd also like to mention that sparky looks phenomenal in tights. just saying.

chapter three: shake and pop

i have always been suspicious, but from this morning on, i knew without a doubt that me and my AM routine are not on the same page. we aren't even in the same book. mathematical calculation would suggest i'd have more than enough time, but i always end up sprinting out the door. luckily, i've developed a serious crush on my concierge this year. he presses the button to let me out at just the right time. he says he's got nothing better to do, i say he needs to find himself a bird.

so i make it in one piece for my 7am EJ Strive, with just enough time to change the duds into workout gear: day three. after i took a good long look in the mirror at the two accessories attached to my upper torso, i decided i'd deal with them later. strapped in, day three commences. todays theme: shake and pop. it's a good thing i rarely operate at anything less than 4th gear, because today was a lot of bouncing. i think people see me as a real wind-up toy, they're just waiting for my batteries to die or for me to blow a gasket. i don't think i even have a gasket. there are two things i'm thankful for today, lots of energy and a damn good sports bra. amen.

it was nice being back to the good ol' fashioned Strive class, i've missed it so this week. partnered up with my home girl T Smith and powered through the first phase, swapping between cardio and kinesis. through the second round we lowered our weights and increased core stability. aka, suck in your gut-gut, stick out your butt-butt, and lift ya leg up, lift ya leg up. third round we were hinging, which is a ghetto booty gunnin' for anyone not kinetically inclined, savvy? "stick out your butt like you're dancing at fortune." ooooooh, like thaaaaat. why didn't you say so. wrap up with some plank. at that point i'd rather walk the plank, but pirates rules say: take what you can, give nothing back. so, i took everything and gave up nothing. fun bobby and er bear rocked the show.

so here's a clothing update: make sure you have yourself an exquisite supporting bra for classes where you jump more than you breathe. if not, you'll look like a complete basket case, and that's obnoxious so knock it off.